What? No ransom request?

It was a chilly winter evening and the Olympics were just getting started. I was answering email through an online dating service I was using and started having a conversation with someone. He asked me if I wanted to come over and watch the games. Just a quiet night. I figured that there was no harm in that -- I knew he had roommates, so I was fairly confident that he wouldn't actually kill me. Kidnapping never entered my mind.

So I drove over and walked up to the door. I think it goes without saying that he didn't look like his picture, but that's pretty much par for the course on line, don't you agree?

He let me in the house and took my coat. He came back into the living room and said "So...what do you think? Do you think I'm cute?"

Yeah. Didn't know what to say to that one. So mostly I just laughed and pretended he hadn't said anything. I kind of wanted to go home.

He took my silence as a hint that I needed more convincing of his relative hotness. (I didn't.) So he stood in the middle of the room, turned his back to me and bent at the waist. From this incredibly appealing position, he looked at me through his legs and asked me if I thought he had a nice ass.

I couldn't even laugh. I looked at him in shock.

Then, because I'm an idiot, I sat down on the couch. He plopped down next to me. Like RIGHT next to me. I tried to concentrate of watching the slalom competition on TV and began counting the minutes until I could politely leave. He started rubbing my shoulder. I cringed. He didn't get it.

Then he started asking me for a kiss. "I'm so loooonely....I just need a little kiss." Over and over he whined this. And over and over I said no.

"Pleeeeaaaassssseeeee....."

Wow...that's hot. A man begging for a kiss because he's lonely. Seriously, his roommate was in the other room. Did he have no pride at all? Apparently not.

I told him it was time for me to go home. That it was late (like 9 pm--almost time for curfew!) And that I had a headache. I started for the door.

I realized, however, that my purse and coat were nowhere to be seen. This was a problem.

"Can I please have my purses and coat?"

"No. Not until you give me a kiss."

"I'm not going to do that. Please give me my things. I am going home."

"Please...just a kiss."

"No. I want my coat and purse."

"Fine." He leaves the room and comes beck in and hands me my things. And then stands in front of the door. "Now you have to kiss me or I won't let you out."

Great. I'm being held hostage by a lonely idiot. But oh dear god I don't want to kiss him. So I start trying to pull him away from the door. I can't make him budge.

"Please, just let me out. I want to leave."

"Come on...just one kiss."

Seriously -- how pathetic is this guy? And how bad to I want out? The answer to both: VERY.

I still can't pull him off the door. I'm getting a little nervous. The roommate is out walking the dog, so there's no one to help me if I scream. Just Mr. Need A Hug. But I'm not going to give in. I'm now actually throwing up a little in my mouth thinking that I might have to kiss him to go home. What do I want more? Home? Or my pride?

Both.

At this point I hate him.

Just as I'm trying to peel him off the door, the backdoor makes a noise and a dog runs into the room.

"Get away from the door. I'm going home." I said it just loudly enough that I figured his roommate would hear.

I don't know if he heard or not, but Mr. Icky backed off the door, and I shot through into the cold winter night.

Ten degrees below zero never felt so good.